JK Rowling and the Freaked Out Wizards
by samuelpotter
Summary: *CHAPTER 13 UPLOADED! FINISHED STORY!* The Wizarding World is turned upside down! Harry is a evil mastermind, Hermione a scarlet woman and Voldy scarily nice! Can JKR save the world (and the plot?) * Read it. Review it. And LAUGH!
1. A Well Known Stranger

JK Rowling and the Freaked out Wizards by Samuel de Bie  
  
Hey everybody ! This is my first story ever on FF.net. Hope you like it ! Anyway, here's the summary : the Wizarding World is turned upside down. JK Rowling meets Voldemort (or should I say Voldy), who happens to be the good guy in the story ! They fight against the True Dark Lord. Harry Potter. Everybody in this story is different and very out of character. Well, let's begin ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
CHAPTER 1: THE WELL KNOWN STRANGER  
  
Our story begins in a beautiful mansion somewhere in Great Britain. In this mansion, the famous author J.K. Rowling is happily writing book 5 of her Harry Potter series. But IS she REALLY writing? Let's go inside...  
  
Joanne sat at her desk, thinking what she was next going to write. "And then they lived happily ever after... No, that's at the end, not at the beginning! Er. Harry Potter was a highly unusable boy... I mean unusual, of course... AARGH! I can think of nothing!" Joanne then got a little mad and burned her desk. "Oh no, what have I done?" She managed to get out of her mansion, before it burned to the ground.  
  
An hour later, she stepped through the rain, without even a raincoat. If she hadn't got mad, she was now sitting in her mansion, enjoying her wealth... And now, she had nothing. NOT EVEN A HOME! She was thinking of her great period of wealth, when suddenly a man in with a black robe and hood appeared from the dark shadows. He said: "Aren't you..."  
  
"Yes, I am JK Rowling", said Joanne. She told her story to the stranger. "Ah, that's too bad... Why don't you come with me, we can have a nice chat at the fireplace". JK Rowling then followed the stranger. When they were sitting at the fireplace, she asked: "I'm sorry, sir, but may I ask you who you are?" The man did his hood off. JK Rowling screamed. "I..." the man said dramatically, "Am Lord Voldemort!" JK Rowling, with the look of pure horror on her face, said with an unusual high voice: "But... I didn't know you even existed! I mean... You're a character from a novel!"  
  
"So? Does that mean anything?", Voldemort said, lightly hurt. "Oh no, it doesn't mean anything!", Joanne said quickly. Voldemort sighed.  
  
"Yes, I am a character from your novel. So are Harry Potter and his little friends. But we all exist. However, we are slightly different from what you wrote. I, for instance, am not the villain. No way. There is a far more evil lord out there..." Joanne asked: "And who is that Dark Lord?", holding her breath. Voldemort sighed again. "It's... Harry Potter". Joanne couldn't believe her ears. "It's true. Harry Potter is the true Dark Lord. Let me tell you something about the Wizarding World. 14 years ago, I went to visit my closest friends, James and Lily Potter. I wanted to hug their little son Harry, but he bit my finger. As I screamed of pain, James and Lily got mad. They thought I wanted to scare the little creature.  
  
Then they put a curse on me. I was nothing. NOTHING! I had to live of others, like a PARASITE! Then, James and Lily died in a car crash and Harry was left alone. One day, the Dursleys found him and brought him over to their house. But it was a huge mistake. Since then, Potter terrorised the poor fellows. He treated them like slaves. When he was eleven, Potter got a letter from Hogwarts. First he didn't want to go, because he then couldn't terrorise the Dursleys anymore. But Hagrid, the evil gamekeeper of Hogwarts, made a evil deal with the evil Harry Potter and then, he went to Hogwarts to plan his evil plans to conquer Hogwarts."  
  
Joanne was astonished. "There is only one who can save the Wizarding World from being conquered by the evil Harry Potter: and that's you, Joanne". After the first shock, Joanne asked: "What do I have to do?" Voldemort said: "Go to the Privet Drive on my broomstick to spy on Potter. Follow him everywhere. I'll try to have contact with you. Tell me everything you saw. Together, we will do extraordinary things... Or something like that. Now, you take my broom and fly to Privet Drive!" And with that, Joanne took Voldemort's "Snaky Broom Four Hundred" and flew to Privet Drive, to spy on the evil Harry Potter.  
  
Somewhat later.  
  
When Joanne was flying over the village, she suddenly saw a neat street. She knew it - this was Privet Drive. She landed before the house with number four and climbed over the fence. She sneaked to the window, to see what was happening. There they were, all four of them at the dinner table - Vernon Dursley, Petunia Dursley, Dudley Dursley and - she shivered - Harry Potter. At first sight, everything seemed perfectly normal - when suddenly, Harry stood up.  
  
"I'm going upstairs, if you idiots don't mind", he said, with an unusual cool voice. "Boy, he sounds like Malfoy", Joanne thought. Petunia Dursley said: "Why Harry, don't you want another piece of bacon, Harry dear?" Harry gave her a dirty look. "What have I told you people of calling me with THAT name?" Petunia said quickly: "I'm so sorry, ALMIGHTY LORD POTTER!" Harry said: "That's better. And to answer your question, Dursley - haven't I told you that I was going upstairs? So no, I-do-not-want-another-piece-of- bacon!", Harry whispered, but in a evil way. Then he went upstairs.  
  
"Boy, this Harry turns out to be a much more interesting character than MY Harry", Joanne thought in herself. "Can't I keep it like this? But no - I have to stop that evil character". She stepped on Voldy's "Snaky Broom Four Hundred" and flew to the window of Harry's room, to spy on him there.  
  
There he was. Harry Potter. He sat on his bed, reading something. It must have been his evil plan! Yes, it was, cause Harry was laughing evil when he put it away. "Another year, another chance to conquer Hogwarts", he said. "But it has become harder, now that Voldemort guy is back... the idiot. I hated him since I was a baby - yes, I really enjoyed biting his finger". Suddenly, Joanne heared the sound of wings. Oh no, it was Hedwig, Lord Potter's evil owl! She quickly flew away as Hedwig was coming to Harry's room.  
  
A minute later, she flew back to the window. There they were, Lord Potter and his evil owl. "Thank you, Hedwig, my evil servant... Mwahahaha! I hope you brought back some evil news". He opened the first letter. "Ah, this is from Hermione Granger, my (and Ron's, Draco's, Neville's and Snape's) girlfriend. Yuk, I can't imagine her snogging with that last character. However, I must read her letter..." He opened it and read:  
  
- "Most handsome Lord Potter,  
  
I again snogged some idiots from the Ministry, like Percy Weasley, as you demanded, and they now all stand at our side. Victory is ours! I had to use some special tactics, however - that Percy guy wasn't happy that quick.  
  
But you know me - I always have some special techniques in store...  
  
Love, your evil girlfriend Hermione." -  
  
Lord Potter grinned. You nearly could see hearts floating before his eyes... if there was ONE thing that made him loose his mind, it was Hermione Granger. She could make anyone go wild.  
  
He opened his second letter, which was from Hagrid, the evil gamekeeper of Hogwarts. Lord Potter read:  
  
- "Most Evil Lord Potter,  
  
Here be your most devoted servant, Rubeus Hagrid.  
  
I heard from your - and Ron's, and Neville's, and Draco's, and Snape's - girlfriend that she managed ter get those fools from the Ministry ter our side. It's just perfect!  
  
I'm still waiting for your most evil plan, my lord. I'm also preparing ter get every single spy from that idiot Voldemort - he has come back, and we must be careful.  
  
Oh yeah, you maybe heard that there's still no teacher for Defence Against The Dark Arts. Maybe we could send one of our men. Then I am not the only teacher that is on your side! Maybe you'll have to find someone. Hehehe, we'll have Hogwarts conquered in no-time!  
  
Evil Greetings,  
  
Your most loyal servant Hagrid".  
  
Lord Potter thought. "Hmm... yes, it would be good if I had another one of my men in Hogwarts, but besides Hagrid, I don't have any servants that could take the job... I'll have to get another one at my side..." Joanne smiled... she knew what she was going to do.  
  
The evil Lord Potter will be after you if you don't review! So - hit the review button! 


	2. Joanna Scowling

Here is chapter two, "JOANNA SCOWLING"! I'm happy that I already have 1 review. I'm a complete newbie at FF.net, if you're interested. You're not? Oh well, than I'll give you some story! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER TWO: JOANNA SCOWLING  
  
When Lord Potter had read all the remaining letters (they were all bills actually), suddenly someone knocked the door. "Who's there", Lord Potter said suspiciously, grabbing his wand. "It's me, dear cousin, Dudley!", a voice behind the door said. Lord Potter sighed. That Dudley fellow was really starting to bug him. Today, Dudley held the door open for him FOUR TIMES and this wasn't all: Dudley actually offered Harry HIS plate of bacon and eggs! The fool! Lord Potter said: "What do you want?" Dudley said: "I just wanted to check if my favourite cousin was OK!" Lord Potter grinned. This could be fun... "You may come in, fatso", he said in a... you can guess it... EVIL way.  
  
Dudley came in. "Hello, Harry!" Lord Potter gave him an angry look. "Didn't I say I don't wish to be called like that?" Dudley fell on his knees. "I'm so sorry, Almighty Lord Potter! What can I do to make you forgive me?" Lord Potter grinned evil. "Well, I know SOME good curses, so..." Dudley cried. "Whatever makes you feel better, dear cousin! Let me suffer for my crimes!" Lord Potter grinned and was going to curse Dudley, when his victim's eyes widened. "Har - I mean Lord Potter - someone is floating in front of the window!" "WHAT?!", Lord Potter yelled furiously as he turned around. Joanne fortunately could fly away before Lord Potter could see her. Potter ran to the window and looked around, but saw nothing. "Oh, I understand", Lord Potter whispered.  
  
Dudley went white. "W-what d-d-do you mean, Almighty Lord P-Potter?" "I mean", Lord Potter said, "that you told me there was someone floating in front of the window, so you could run away as I turned around. CHICKEN!" Dudley sputtered: "But Almighty Lord Potter... I'd never do such a thing... never! May I turn into a bouncing ferret if I'd commit a horrible crime like that!" Lord Potter grinned. "That's a good idea, actually", he said, when he pulled out his wand. "Uh-oh", Dudley said. "Me and my big mouth..." And then, Lord Potter turned him into a bouncing ferret. He laughed when the fatso bounced out of the window. He thought of a incident with Draco Malfoy of last year, in wich there was also a bouncing ferret involved.  
  
"I know", Lord Potter said to himself, "I'm not allowed to do magic during the holidays, but hey, you can do anything using blackmail. MWAHAHAHA!" During the good mood of Lord Potter, Joanne knocked the door of Privet Drive number four. She would ask Harry if she could become a member of his evil little fanclub. Then, she would take the job of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, so she could spy on the little brat all year! After a minute, Petunia Dursley opened the door.  
  
"Hello", she said warmly. "How can I help you, dear?" Joanne said: "I am... er..." She couldn't say her real name, because she was too famous. "I'm Joanna Scowling, and I've come to see Lord Potter. I heard lots of your cousin and I... er... am interested in his *evil* plans!" Petunia said: "Isn't Harry a great boy? Smart, well behaved, handsome... and he has followers already! I'm telling you, one day, he will be a famous evil mastermind! I'll call him for you, Joanna dear. HARRY!!!" Harry yelled angrily: "I-don't-want-to-be-called-that!!!" Petunia whispered: "See? He's a boy that stands up for himself... he wants to be treated with respect! If only our Dudley could be a bit more like him..." And then she called to Harry: "I'm sorry, Almighty Lord Potter, dear! But there is someone here who would like to see you! It's Joanna Scowling, and she is interested in your diabolical plans!" Harry yelled: "She can come upstairs and see me! And by the way - thank you for giving me the word "diabolical". Now I don't have to say "evil" all the time!"  
  
"Thank you", Joanna whispered to Petunia when she climbed the staircases. When she was upstairs, she knocked on Lord Potter's bedroom door. "Come in", the voice behind the door said. Joanna opened the door. Lord Potter was sitting, staring out of the window with his back to Joanna. When he noticed her, he stood up, turned around, and said: "Well well. Another fool fell to the ev- I mean diabolical- feet of LORD POTTER!" Joanna said: "I am willing to be your loyal servant". She had to play this good. Lord Potter said: "Well, Scowling, my loyal servant, where could I use you for? How do you fit in my evil plans..." He thought for a while and then whispered: "Yes... say, Scowling, do you know anything of Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Joanna lied: "Oh yes, I know all about it!" Lord Potter smiled diabolical. "Well, how do you like it if you take the job of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher on Hogwarts, so that you can spy on that old fool Dumbledore and you can work together with my evil gamekeeper, Hagrid..." Joanna said: "Whatever you wish, Almighty Lord... MWAHAHAHA!"  
  
Lord Potter said: "I'm glad to see that you are so - er -glad to take the job, Scowling, but PLEASE CUT OFF THE MWAHAHAHA! It's for evil Lords only, you know... now, I think it's time that we go to Hogwarts... tomorrow it's 1 september, and before that day you need to take the job of teacher! Weasley, Granger and Longbottom, my most diabolical followers, are already on Hogwarts - that old fool Dumbledore thinks they are there to help Hagrid to prepare for the new year! Ridiculous eh? They're preparing something alright, but it is something far more exciting than lessons Care for Magical Creatures... MWAHAHAHA! Okay, do you have a broomstick?" Joanna Scowling showed the Snaky Broom Four Hundred she got from her friend Voldy Mort (that's his real name!). "Excellent", Lord Potter said. "Let's take our stuff and fly over to Hogwarts... now, it's just my school, but in a few months, it's my property! MWAHA... er, that's enough evil laughing for the time being..." And with that, Joanna Scowling and Lord Potter prepared their trip to Hogwarts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Isn't it wonderful? Dudley's a bouncing ferret and Joanne is Lord Potter's evil follower. It's going to be exciting! Chapter 3 is coming up soon! 


	3. Curious Very Curious

CHAPTER THREE: CURIOUS. VERY CURIOUS.  
  
When Lord Potter and Joanna Scowling were about to fly to Hogwarts, suddenly, a large brown owl came flying into the room. He had a Hogwarts letter! "Give it here, stupid owl", Lord Potter said angrily, as he grabbed the letter. The owl raised his paw, wanting cash, but fire shot from Lord Potter's eyes, scaring the owl that flew away. "That's one of my diabolical supernatural powers!", Lord Potter laughed evilly, when he saw the look on Joanna's face. "Now, let's read this stupid letter.  
  
- "Hey, you loser, I'm just sending this letter to make sure you don't forget anything for the school year. In the following list, you can see which crap you must buy in Diagon Alley. Don't forget anything, or else I'll make sure you'll lead a miserable life!  
  
Here's the list:  
  
FIFTH YEAR BOOK SET The Transfiguration Book of Boredom 5 - by Betty Boringley  
  
Some History Book You Don't Need Because Some Old Fool Is Only Going To Tell Some Crap About Goblin Wars That Happened Some Ages Ago And Is'nt Going To Let You Use This Book - by Gregory Goblinhater  
  
The Book of Highly Dangerous Potions Which Snape Can Use To Scar You For Life - by Steven Scarhead  
  
Foresee The Future You Don't Even Have Because You're Going To End Up All Alone and Depressed Anyway- by Patty Pessimist  
  
Defend Yourself Against The Evil Powers Of The Almighty Unbeatable Terrible Horrible Diabolical Lord Potter Who Kills Off Everybody And Beats Up My Little Son Draco - by Lucius Malfoy  
  
Greetings from the Assistant Head Master  
  
Minnie "Groovy Cat" McGonagall" -  
  
Lord Potter threw the letter away. "That stupid McGonagall! I just hate her! Always dressed as she is a hippie or something. she doesn't even care about my evil plans! She's making it way to easy for me! Then it isn't fun anymore! And Dumbledore. well, he's in McGonagall's Hippie Cult anyway, so he isn't a challenge either. at least that Voldy guy tries to stop me! Now I have someone who I could be proud of to beat! Anyway, we'll need to go to Diagon Alley. And then, you can take the job of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Mwahahaha!"  
  
They then flew to London, while Lord Potter told his evil history. "I'm trying to conquer Hogwarts since my first year! I made a deal with the evil gamekeeper Hagrid and I convinced Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and Neville Longbottom to go to my side. They're my most loyal followers. You wouldn't suspect it from Longbottom - he seems too macho to follow anybody. But I'm giving him the chances to get rich and famous, so he's glad to help me out. Anyway, in my first year, my evil plan to conquer Hogwarts almost worked. But then, that stupid Voldy Mort suspected something and he sent some Quirrel guy to steal the Useless Rock, hidden at the school in that year. In our final battle, he said he was going to use it against me. I laughed at him - he used a useless rock after all - but then he threw it to my head and I was knock-out for at least a week! In my second year, I planned to open the Chamber of Secrets, but then I found a diary in which I wrote my evil plans. how should I know that there was some Riddle guy in it who used my plans to open the Chamber himself and defeat me! In my third year, all went smooth. I used the Shrieking Shack as my headquarter to prepare for my evil plans. but then, a black dog and a werewolf suddenly came in and they destroyed my evil tools! Aargh! And in my fourth year, I planned to win the Triwizard Tournament, because I wanted to use the prize money to buy some new evil tools. but then, the Cup turned out to be a portkey that lead to Voldy Mort, who used my toenails as ingredient for a potion to rise again! But now, I must win. Now, it is my turn to make the other side look ridiculous! MWAHAHAHA! Oh, what do you know, there's the Leaky Cauldron! Let's land and go inside!"  
  
Lord Potter and "Joanna Scowling" landed and went inside. All became quiet. "What do you know. It's the Evil Lord Potter!", Tom, the barkeeper, said. Suddenly, much people came closer to them. "Can I have your autograph, Evil Lord?" "Is that your new girlfriend or your new follower?" "Good luck with conquering Hogwarts, my Lord!" "Teach that Dumbledore guy a lesson!" Then, they managed to get out. "Why are you so popular when you are evil, Lord Potter?" Lord Potter said: "They think that Dumbledore is a pathetic Head Master. I mean, he does nothing but going to rock concerts and going to Mallorca Beach! Many people, like me, think that we need a new, strong, cool Head Master, like me!" He tapped his wand to a brick and then, the wall became a gate. Lord Potter and his follower Scowling stepped into Diagon Alley! "Now, Scowling, you can look around for evil stuff when I'm going to buy my books". He then went away. Joanna whispered: "But first, I need a wand. Let's go to Olivander's!" She looked for Olivander's wand shop.  
  
After some walking, she found it. She went inside the old, dusty shop. Suddenly, an old man apparated in front of her. "I wondered when I would be seeing you, Mrs. er. what's your name?" "Scowling. Joanna Scowling". "Right. Seems only yesterday that your. er. I never had your parents in my shop, really. but what the heck? You came for a wand! Let's see." He grabbed a box, opened it, took a wand out and gave it to Joanna Scowling. "Well give it a wave!" Joanna waved with the wand, and then. "AARGH!" The ceiling came down. "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"  
  
They jumped out of the collapsing shop. "No, no, definitely not that wand!", Olivander said, grabbing the wand out of Joanna's hand. "What is wrong with you? Now all my wands all broken! Except for this one!" He pulled out a long, shining wand. "It's my favourite wand! I found it too beautiful to sell! But, you can try it." He gave the wand to Joanna. She waved with the wand, causing a special effect of wind and colours. "Curious", Olivander said. "Very curious!" "What's curious?", Joanna asked. "The parrot, who's feather resides in your wand, gave another feather. Just one other. It's curious that you should be destined for this wand, while it's brother belongs to He-Who-Some-Of-Us-Don't-Like-To-Call-Him-By-Name!" "Oh, I get it. So the wand with the other parrot feather belongs to Lord Potter!" "I-said-that-some-of-us-don't-like-to-call-him-by-name!", Olivander whispered furiously. "Now, give my cash and get out! And oh yeah - you'll be hearing of my lawyer! How am I supposed to rebuild my collapsed shop?" "With magic, of course", Joanna said. She gave Olivander his money and went away happily. "That girl has some point", Olivander said, counting his money. 


	4. Snogging Friends and Sleeping Head Maste...

CHAPTER FOUR: CAN I BE A TEACHER?  
  
After a few minutes of walking, looking at shops and trying out her new wand, Joanna met Lord Potter again. "So, Scowling", he asked. "Did you have . . . fun?" "Oh yes", said Joanna, with a (fake) evil grin on her face. "I blew up a entire wand shop!" "You mean Olivander's?" "Yes, my Lord!" "Good", said Lord Potter, with a diabolical smile on his face. "That'll teach that old fool! Oh, besides, I had fun too, reading this". Lord Potter took the book 'Defend Yourself Against The Evil Powers Of The Almighty Unbeatable Terrible Horrible Diabolical Lord Potter Who Kills Off Everybody And Beats Up My Little Son Draco' out of his bag.  
  
"This book is written by Lucius Malfoy. The wimp! Look at this chapter:  
  
Lesson 1: How to act when you meet the Evil Lord Potter!  
  
1: Avoid Lord Potter's evil curses  
  
2: Turn your body 180 degrees to the left (or the right, it doesn't make any difference)  
  
3: Place your left foot in front of your right foot  
  
4: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!  
  
Isn't it pathetic?", Lord Potter asked. "Yes, pathetic", Joanna replied sheepishly. "Now, let's go to Hogwarts!", Lord Potter said. He stepped on his "Diablo Three Thousand" and flew away, followed by Joanna Scowling on her "Snaky Broom Four Hundred".  
  
It was a pleasant flight. The only trouble was caused by some Muggle Airplanes and some birds flying to the south, but for the rest, nothing went wrong. After a long, LONG time of flying through the clouds of Great Britain, they came at a castle in Scotland: Hogwarts! "We're here", said Lord Potter, with a crazy look on his face. "Hogwarts. Soon, this is going to be the EVIL EMPIRE OF LORD POTTER! MWAHAHAHA! Cough cough . . . urgh. Sorry, but I'm getting too old for that evil laughing." They landed at the entrance. The doors were closed, but Lord Potter pulled out his wand and said: "BURNOMORA!" The doors went on fire and then destroyed themselves. "This is way more fun than "Alohomora", said Lord Potter, again with that crazy look. "HEY EVERYBODY, LORD POTTER IS BACK IN TOWN!", he yelled. They walked into the Great Hall. Suddenly, they saw Dumbledore coming out from under the table. "Uh? Wazzup?", he asked. "Were you sleeping again, you lazy old guy?", Lord Potter said. "You're damn right, Potter! 10 points to Gryffindor! Now, let me go back to sleep!", said Dumbledore, before he yawned. "I'm tired of that rock concert on yesterday. The Rolling Stones kept playing 'til midnight!" He fell asleep.  
  
"You see?", Lord Potter said to Joanna. "He's a lazy old guy who does nothing to stop me from doing evil things and is only thinking of rock concerts . . . Pathetic! He didn't even notice that the doors were away!" This time, Joanna had to admit that Lord Potter was right for 100 percent.  
  
Meanwhile, in the common room, Ron Weasley, a tall, red haired young man, and Hermione Granger, smart, hot and loved by everyone, were kissing passionately, while rolling over the floor (Yes, this IS a R/H fic. But also a H/H, a N/H, a D/H and a S/H, if you didn't notice before). Something they had been doing every day of the vacation.  
  
"Oh Ron", said Hermione when they stopped kissing for a few seconds. "You're my only true love!" "Really?", asked Ron. "I bet you say that to everyone you snog with. I mean, you're Lord Potter's - and Neville's, and Draco's, and . . . yegh . . . Snape's - girlfriend!"  
  
"I'm not Snape's girlfriend anymore", said Hermione quickly. "He's too old." "Oh, that's a relieve", said Ron. "I was getting mental images . . . yuck!" He shuddered. "But anyway . . . what were you saying again?" "That you are my true love", said Hermione. "And I mean it. It's different with the others. For them, I'm just some scarlet woman who's job it is to make other people happy by snogging them and pretending to like them. But only with you, I can be myself."  
  
"Absolutely true", said Ron. "And Lord Harry thinks we're here to help Hagrid prepare his evil plans for the new year. HA! If only he knew what we were doing.", Ron said, before kissing her again.  
  
After endless passionate kissing and rolling over the floor, they suddenly heard footsteps. "Is that Neville?", Ron asked. "No", Hermione said as she went white. "I know that footsteps . . . They sound so evil! It's THE DIABOLICAL LORD POTTER! I must get out, before he notices we're kissing while being only half-dressed . . ."  
  
"But . . . Isn't that OK with him?", Ron asked. "I mean, he knows that we're together.  
  
"Yes, he knows", Hermione said, "But he hates to actually SEE us being together. I'll be going to the girl's dormitory, you'll be staying here! Unless you want to feel the wrath of the EMPEROR OF EVIL!"  
  
"HURRY UP, Hermione, Lord Potter's coming!", Ron said. Hermione went into the girl's dormitory. At the same moment she closed the door, Lord Potter came in to the Gryffindor Common Room. "Hey, Harry", Ron said with a unusual high voice. He, Hermione and Neville were allowed to call him "Harry". "Hey, Ron", Harry said. "Say, why do you only wear a boxer short?"  
  
"Er . . . Because it's hot, isn't it? Yeah, that's it, it's too hot!", said Ron quickly. "Er . . . I understand you're having it hot", said Harry. "Weather's been very weird this summer. So, how's it hanging with Hermione and Longbottom?" "Oh, just fine", Ron said. "Hermione is thinking of important losers she could snog so that they come to our side, and Neville's thinking of new ways to torture Snape. So, how are YOU doing, mate?" Harry turned again to his evil self.  
  
"Fine, just fine. I have found me a diabolical servant that can take the job of Defense Against the Dark Arts. MWAHAHA! And I'm also working on a top secret weapon that I can use to blast Voldy-Woldy and his followers away! And don't ask with me what that secret weapon is", Harry said, when Ron opened his mouth. "It's TOP SECRET, so you're NOT supposed to know what it is. Now, if you excuse me, I'll be going to see my new servant: Joanna Scowling".  
  
Joanna Scowling tried to wake up Dumbledore. "Mister Dumbledore . . . PROFESSOR! WAKE UP, YOU LAZY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING!" Dumbledore woke up. "Er . . . 10 points to Gryffindor! What is it?" Joanna said with a sweet voice: "I am Joanna Scowling, sir, and I want to take the job of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Can I please, can I can I can I?"  
  
"Er . . . OK, you can be a bloody teacher, whatever! And oh yeah, you can also be the Head of Gryffindor, McGonagall is going to spend a little more time with me. did I say that? I mean, she is going to spend more time to the Hippie Cult! Yeah, that's it." Joanna Scowling asked: "Can I REALLY be the Head of Gryffindor? That's fantastic! Thank you, professor!" "Yeah, whatever", said Dumbledore. "Now, leave me, while I can GET SOME SLEEP ALREADY! I'M TIRED! T-I-R-E-D! LET ME SLEEP! S-L-E-B-E! Er . . . S-L-I-P-E. S-R-L-B-E . . . Oh, bloody!" And he immediately fell to sleep. 


	5. Macho's and HouseElves

CHAPTER FIVE: MACHO'S AND HOUSE-ELVES  
  
Lord Potter was walking in the corridors of Hogwarts, searching for his servant Joanna Scowling, when he suddenly met Neville Longbottom, wearing his black leather jacket and his sunglasses. "Hey Potter Guy!", yelled Neville. "Hello, Longbottom", Lord Potter said, with a small threatening tone in his voice. Neville didn't get the message.  
  
"So, dude, how's it hangin'? I am doing just DAMN fine! Listen up, Lordie: I got some o' them pink wabbits from Hagrid and now I have created the perfect plan to torture little Snapey-Wapey. It's called: "Operation Hoppin' Bunny. You wanna hear it ?"  
  
"No thanks, Longbottom", Lord Potter said. "I'm off to see my new follower Joanna Scowling. She is asking old Dumblydore if she can." Neville didn't let Lord Potter finish his sentence. "Oh, so does the great LORD POTTER now have a second girlfriend?", Neville smirked. Lord Potter said: "Honestly, Longbottom, I really DON'T understand why I see you as one of my most loyal followers!"  
  
"Me neither, Potty, me neither".  
  
"DON'T CALL ME POTTY!", Lord Potter yelled.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Potter-Wotter. BWAHAHA! See you later, dude!", Neville grinned as he went flirting with a seventh year Hufflepuf girl.  
  
Meanwhile, Joanna was searching for Lord Potter. However, Hogwarts was very big, and she didn't know which corridor to take: the left or the right one. But suddenly, two ghosts came flying by. Are they planes? Are they birds? No, they are FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY!! Joanna shrieked when she saw it. "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU TWO?", she shrieked. "Honestly woman, what are you talking about?", said Fred. Or was it George? "We've been like this for the past 4 years since Lord Potter killed us with his deadly Alohomora curse, so don't nag! And if you excuse is, we can go to the toilets. Nobody will disturb us there, not even that sick girl Merry Myrtle. Always horribly happy. Disgusting! As if she doesn't respect dead people who want to philosophize about what is death!" And then the two unhappy ghost flew away. Joanna shook her head and took the left corridor, and that was the right one. (author's note: get the joke? Reader's note: yeah yeah, can you let me read in peace now? Author's note: okay, okay, don't nag!)  
  
"So, Scowling, do you have the position of teacher?", Lord Potter asked. "Yes, my Lord", Joanna said. "And I'm also declared Head of Gryffindor!" "Very good, Scowling", Lord Potter said. "But the name Gryffindor is changing into Potterdor. Hermione requested that to Dumbledore, and you know, she always gets what she wants. MWAHAHA! I'll be the Greatest Wizard of All Time in no-time!"  
  
Joanna and Lord Potter went to the Gryff. I mean Potterdor Common Room and talked about interesting things, like for instance the depression of Fred and George. "Those stupid ghosts are always being annoying", Lord Potter said. "First they're depressed, then they strike for the rights of the ghost. yeesh!" Lord Potter went to the Boy's Dormitories and Joanna to the Teacher's Dormitories, where she had pleasant dreams.  
  
The next day, it was the 1st of September, the first day at school. Joanna woke up early to help the other teachers prepare the Sorting Ceremony. When she was having a conversation with Professor Snape, who was wearing a pink T-shirt and a boxer short, Hagrid winked Joanna. She got the message, ended the conversation with Snape and followed Rubeus Hagrid to his hut.  
  
"So, do ya like Hogwarts so far?", he asked.  
  
"Yes, yes, it's a really nice place".  
  
Hagrid said: "Yes, Hogwarts is going ter be the best Evil Headquarter of Lord Potter yeh can imagine. Mwahaha! Now, my fellow Follower of Lord Potter, let me show ya something." He went back to Hogwarts Castle, Joanna following him. They took a secret passage, and suddenly, they were at the Hogwarts kitchen!  
  
The House-Elves were sitting on their chairs in the dirty kitchen, with a bottle of "X-tra Strong Butterbeer with 40 % More Alcohol!" in their hands. It was clear that these creatures were very lazy. When they noticed Hagrid and Joanna, one of the House-Elves jumped up and said: "What the hell's tha matter with ya! We don't want to be your slaves, stupid humans! We only have six days of vacation a week, and not even a sauna or a bubble bath! So shoo it, man!" All the House-Elves yelled: "Yeah, shoo it, man!" Hagrid said: "Now now, Elves, we don't want yeh ter work! We came ter free yeh! If yeh join us, yeh can fight for His Evilness of Evil, the one and only Lord Potter! An' fightin' is a lot better than workin', isn't it, fellows?"  
  
The leader House-Elve thought. "Mmm. well, human, that's not a bad deal. but what the heck? Ya got ya self a deal, buster! We'll fight for ya!" All the House-Elves yelled: "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" "Okay, that's enough already", said Hagrid. "See yeh soon, when we come to free yeh!" And then, Hagrid and Joanna left.  
  
"Phew, I finally did it", said Hagrid. "Those House-Elves are very difficult creatures. but I visited them often, so they know me a bit, and I guess they like me. Not that House-Elves really like people, they only like cash, vacation an' chicks, but that doesn't matter!" And then, Hagrid left, and Joanna went to prepare for the Sorting Ceremony. So the House-Elves were now on Lord Potter's side? Maybe she had to write a letter to her friend, Voldy Mort. 


	6. The Sorting Ceremony

CHAPTER SIX: THE SORTING CEREMONY or THEY LOOK SO ICKY IN GREEN!  
  
That evening, Joanna sat at the Teacher's Table, just between professor Snape and McGonagall. When she was having a pleasant talk with professor Snape, dressed in a violet robe with flowers on it, suddenly Hagrid came in, followed by the tiny first years.  
  
"Oh, aren't the new first years adorable this year?", said professor Snape. "Hey look, that's my little cousin! Isn't he a cutie? I hope he comes in Slytherin, just like his uncle Sevvie!" Joanna rolled her eyes. OK, Snape was a swell fellow, but he was acting a bit too sensitive now. It was a relieve to have an excuse for not listening to Snape when Dumbledore stood up.  
  
"Okay folks, I understand that it's now time for the SORTING CEREMONY! Put your hands together for THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE SORTING HAT!" Everyone applauded when professor Flitwick brought in an old hat. He put it on a luxurious chair. Suddenly, Neville, Dean and Seamus jumped on the podium, Neville grabbing a electric guitar, Dean standing at the keyboard and Seamus sitting at the drums. The Artist Formerly Known As The Sorting Hat began to sing:  
  
"I am the Artist Known As the Sorting Hat,  
  
I'm here to sort you, little brat!  
  
If you're a geek, you are in Hufflepuff!  
  
And you belong in Slytherin if you like pink fluff!  
  
A smart arse should go to Ravenclaw!  
  
And head to Potterdor if you feel to break the law!  
  
So dork, just put me on your oversized head!  
  
I'll dig in your brains till I find what house you get!"  
  
The song ended with Neville smashing his guitar to pieces and lots of purple smoke filling the Great Hall. The Artist Formerly Known As The Sorting Hat got an overwhelming applause.  
  
After the applause ended, McGonagall jumped on the table. "Okay dudes, after this piece of groovy rockin' music, it's time for us to sort the little shrimps over there! Prepare to be bullied by big sixth-years, weenies!"  
  
She called the name of the first kid that was going to be sorted. He sat down on the luxurious chair, while "Minnie McGonagall" put the Artist Formerly Known As The Sorting Hat on his head. "SLYTHERIN!", shouted the. We'll just call him the Hat, okay?  
  
"That's my boy!", said Snape in delight. "That's my cousin! Heinz Snape! I hope he'll make lots of little friends in Slytherin!" Joanna found the sweet talk of Snape rather scary, so she tried to make a conversation to Dumbledore.  
  
After the Sorting Ceremony ended, Dumbledore made a few announcements for the start of the new year. "So dudes, welcome to Hogwarts School for Bitchcraft and Wackyness! Er. That's a bit wrong, isn't it? What was it again, Minnie? Oh yeah, it's Witchcraft and Wizardry of course! So, and now it's time for some NEWS! First of all, I would like to say that the colors of Slytherin have turned PINK. I mean, didn't they look SO fat in green? Ew! I thought that was SO icky. So I changed it into pink, and now everybody's happy. FLOWER POWER! And there's more, fellows! GRYFFINDOR has changed to POTTERDOR!" The Potterdors yelled triumphantly.  
  
"Yeah, isn't that frickin' cool? I like the Potter dude, really, I do. But hey, Potter, DON'T YOU DARE TRYING TO PICK MY PLACE AS HEAD MASTER! Cause I don't like that. I'm still the best. Yeah man. No skinny geek with glasses is going to change that. And third of all, I would love to say that we have a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! Applause for JOANNA SCOWLING!" Everybody applauded loudly.  
  
"Yeah, isn't that cool? But hey Scowling, don't forget that there's a HORRIBLE CURSE on the job of DADA teacher. The Quirrel guy had gone dead, the Lockhart guy lost his memory thanks to mister Potter, the Lupin guy appeared to be a werewolf and got Howlers from angry parents for months, and Moody was kidnapped by some guy who wanted that Voldy became strong again. So prepare to be doomed! I bet you loose your hair at the end of the year. And now, let's stuff ourselves full with this lovely junk food!" And suddenly, several McJunk Special Burgers with Chicken Nuggets from the McDonald's appeared on the plates. It looked like the House-Elves hadn't cooked today.  
  
After an hour, the Sorting Ceremony was done. Joanna was glad it ended; she had had enough of conversations with Snape or Dumbledore. She went to see Lord Potter - at least, you could have a good conversation with him - besides the "MWAHAHAHA" all the time, of course.  
  
"So, Scowling", said Lord Potter, "Did you find out anything useful while talking to the teachers?"  
  
"Not really, Lord", said Joanna. "Dumbledore only told that the Slytherins look icky in green, but not much more, besides some crap about rock concerts and stuff."  
  
"And he is totally right", said Lord Potter. "I mean, how horribly fat can you appear in green? I'm almost glad for Malfoy and his little friends that Dumbledore turned it into pink. But I'm especially glad for myself. Now I can bully some little Slyths because they wear girly colored robes. But was there more, Scowling?"  
  
Joanna suddenly remembered something. She said it before she realized that she wasn't supposed to give information to Lord Potter, because she was a spy for the good side. "I remember something, Lord: Snape told me that he has a cousin in the first year of Slytherin: Heinz Snape."  
  
"Has he?", said Lord Potter. "Well well, that could be useful! Maybe I'll ask Longbottom what his theory of torturing Snape includes. We can maybe use it on his little cousin! MWAHAHAHA! Er, Scowling, you can leave. Tomorrow, I will show you my new evil weapon - I hope you'll like it. MWAHA. Er. Okay, it's true, it's true, I AM OBSESSED WITH EVIL LAUGHING!  
  
Phew, that was bothering me for a long time - thank you for listening to my problem, Scowling, I feel so enlightened! Here, you can have some lunch money", said Lord Potter, when he gave Scowling a 10 penny coin and some buttons from a old jacket. "I'll go sleeping. Good luck with spying for me, Scowling!"  
  
"Thank you, master!", she called. Lord Potter climbed through the portrait hole of the Potterdor Common Room. When he was away, Joanna Scowling said: "I have much information for Voldy Mort now. MWAHAHAHA! Oops, now I'm acting like Lord Potter. Anyway, that's not important, I'll have to write an owl to Voldy!" She then went away, looking for an owl. 


	7. The Potter Strikes Back

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE CHAPTER THAT LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE STAR WARS  
  
Note: the real author, Samuel de Bie, is temporarily not in the mood to write this story. That's why I, GEORGE LUCAS, the creator of STAR WARS, will write it from here. Hope you'll like it!  
  
Dear Voldy,  
  
I'm now at Hogwarts. Lord Potter now has the House-Elves on his side. Tomorrow, he is going to show me one of his diabolical plans. Oh, by the way: I have managed to become Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and Head of Potterdor (the new name of Gryffindor). Now I can spy on little Potter even more! Hehe. So, how's it hanging with you?  
  
Greetings, JK Rowling  
  
Joanna checked the letter on grammar and gave it to a brown owl that just passed by and headed to the Teacher Dormitories. That night, no incidents happened, if you didn't count in a sleepwalking Snape or a snoring McGonagall.  
  
After a good night sleep, Joanna woke up. She brushed her teeth and went to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts for the first time! She checked the "Big Book of Defence Against the Dark Arts Stuff for Teachers" for the last time and went into her classroom. After some minutes, the fifth year Potterdors and Slytherins came in.  
  
"Hello class", said Joanna. "I'm your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! I'll start the lesson testing your basic knowledge! Tell me, Malfoy, what would you do if Lord Potter threatened you with his horrible, diabolical and EVIL curses?"  
  
Malfoy gave a nervous look from Lord Potter to Joanna Scowling and said: "Er. I would cry and run to my father?" The Potterdors laughed.  
  
"WRONG! Tell me, Crabbe, what would YOU do?"  
  
Crabbe said: "Well, professor, you have in that a interesting question. However, we must look at every side of the situation. For instance, the climatologic and social situation we are in at that very moment! But, in the most cases, I would choose for the option Mr. Malfoy just gave us: Run away as quickly as I can and express my feelings of fear and traumatic experiences to my father and/or mother."  
  
The Potterdors were cracked up.  
  
"Er. okay, you have a point in that, Crabbe.", said Joanna astonished. Boy, teaching WAS harder than she thought. "But that's not the subject anyway! Not at all! The subject is. er." She thought for a moment. And then, she got a crazy idea. She said it before she realized it was a ridiculous thought. "What if we learned to do the lightsaber thingy from Star Wars with our wands?" Now, THAT interested the students. "Er. Usetheforcus!", tried Joanna. There came two bundles of red light out of her wand. "Wow", she thought, "I actually invented a spell!" It became a interesting lesson.  
  
After four lessons of teaching students the "Usetheforcus"-spell, giving detentions to jerks and being very bossy, she saw Lord Potter.  
  
"Now Scowling, that was a interesting lesson!", he said. "Your little Star Wars spell inspired me for a new evil weapon. MWAHAHA! Unfortunately, my last experiment didn't work. Maybe you heard the bang yesterday evening." He shook his head. "A pity. But what the heck, THIS weapon is much better! It can't fail! Follow me to the Potterdor Common Room, Scowling!"  
  
They climbed through the portrait hole. The common room was empty, except for a big, black dog. Uh? It was Snuffles, best known as Sirius Black!  
  
"I did some experiments and I came up with a new evil weapon. THE DEATH BARK! Sounds good, doesn't it, Scowling? Sometimes, I'm impressed by my own brilliant and evil mind! I'll let you see - or no, let you hear my weapon - Now, Snuffles!"  
  
The dog barked. Only, it sounded a thousand times harder than normal!  
  
"WOOOOOOF! WOOOOOOOOF! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!"  
  
Joanna thought her ears would explode , when suddenly Snuffles stopped.  
  
"Tonight, I will pay old Dumbledore a visit, and Snuffles will too. If I let my dear dog bark there, Dumbledore will probably get a heart attack. I'll say to McGonagall that I tried to rescue him, but that I was too late, and the old witch will believe me! Then, she will let me be Headmaster, and I'll turn this school into "Potterwarts School for Evil Crafts and Dark Magic! MWAHAHAHA!"  
  
When he stopped, he gave a look to Joanna, and then, she also laughed. "Fine", he said. Now, I'll take a nap. I must be fit when I'm Head Master in a couple of hours. MWAHAHA!" He went to the dormitories. Now, Joanna had to be quick. She had to send Voldy Mort an owl, quickly! This was a disaster! She went looking for an owl, when suddenly, one dropped a letter at her feet. She took the bit of parchment and read:  
  
Joanne,  
  
I'll be coming to Hogsmeade today. You said Lord Potter was going to show you his diabolical plans, and I am so worried!  
  
You told me the House-Elves are on his side! Oh no! That is perfectly terrible! Those lazy Elves have perfectly terrible powers! They are so bad! Oh my! That's not good! I am so worried!  
  
Meet me at midnight in the Shrieking Shack. There, you can tell me everything! But best skip the bloody parts - I am a very sensitive man.  
  
Love,  
  
Voldy  
  
Joanna threw the letter away. So, she had to visit the Shrieking Shack at midnight. But how? How could she sneak out the Teacher's Dormitories at that time? She didn't have a Invisibility Cloak . . .  
  
Suddenly, in mid-air, a ghostly figure made of some sort of green light appeared. It said:  
  
"Joanne . . . I am your father . . ."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"Will you please shut up? You don't want everybody to hear you! You have a Force in you . . . use it! USE THE FORCE!"  
  
"The Force? What Force?"  
  
"You know it . . . you know the Force you have. but what the heck, I can't speak in riddles forever! Here, let me help you! I'll give you MY Invisibility Cloak! Here you go! Hope I can see you soon, my little princess! Bye! Oh, and don't forget: USE THE FORCE!"  
  
And then, the figure disappeared. Joanne wondered what Force her father meant, but then, she tried on the Invisibility Cloak. It worked perfect!  
  
Real author: Hey everybody, I'm back in the mood to write my story! But . . . hey! What happened? What the . . . OH NO! IT'S YOU! GEORGE LUCAS! YOU GIT!  
  
George Lucas: I'm sorry, I just thought . . .  
  
Real author: YOU RUINED MY STORY! OUT! OUT!  
  
George Lucas: Okay . . .  
  
Real author: I'm sorry for this interruption, folks. Let's continue with the story.  
  
That night, when every teacher was sleeping, Joanna got up, took her Invisibility Cloak and put it on. She walked out of the Dormitory on tiptoes and then went to the third floor, to the secret passage that lead to Hogsmeade! She was walking on the marble staircase, when suddenly she saw Snape sleepwalking! Joanna turned around and ran away from Snape. But then, she met Peeves the Poltergeist.  
  
"Oof, lucky that everybody in this whole story is different than their character in my books", thought Joanna. "If my theory is right, Peeves isn't going to wake up the whole school!"  
  
But alas; Peeves hissed: "I can hear you breathe, naughty little teacher!", and yelled: "SOMEBODY'S OUT OF BED AT MIDNIGHT!"  
  
Joanna ran away as quickly as she could, but after a few seconds, the whole school (except for Lord Potter and McGonagall) was at the second floor. Joanna stood there, silent and trapped. There was no way she could go to Voldy now! McGonagall, wearing a pink night robe with "FLOWER POWER" written on it, said: "Okay dudes, everybody to bed, everybody to bed! Head Boy and Girl and Prefects: stand guard at the second floor and make sure the invisible dude can't escape! And now, I'll going to bed! See you in tha morning! Yeah, it's boogie night! Woohoo!"  
  
And then, everybody went to bed.  
  
Hours later, the Prefects were still standing guard at the second floor and Joanna was still trapped. Suddenly, she heard a loud noise coming from Dumbledore's office: "WOOOOOF! WOOOOOOF!" The Prefects jumped up and ran to Dumbledore's office. It was too late! Dumbledore probably got a heart attack and was dead now! Disappointed, Joanna left for the Dormitories to cry for her loss.  
  
Lord Potter finally conquered Hogwarts.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
IS THIS THE END OF HOGWARTS AS WE KNOW IT?  
  
NO!  
  
There will be more chapters coming up.  
  
Will Dumbledore get a heart attack?  
  
Will Lord Potter rule Hogwarts and then conquer Canada?  
  
Will Hermione get a role in the next Austin Powers movie?  
  
Will Joanne loose her hair as Dumbledore predicted?  
  
READ IT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! 


	8. The Beginning of A New Era!

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA!  
  
8:00 AM Joanne's Dream Teacher Dormitories  
  
Joanne is running to Dumbledore's office. Lord Potter is after her. Joanne tries to run very hard, but then, everything is going into SLOW-MOTION. Joanne is so slow that she's going backwards! "NOOOOOOOOOOOO", she shouts in her abnormally slow and low voice. "MWAHAHAHA!", laughs Lord Potter. She reaches to the door. . . but then . . . Dumbledore appears, changes into Snape, and then, a whole army of fluffy bunnies appears! "AAAAAAARGH!"  
  
And then, Joanne woke up.  
  
"Oh my god! What an awful dream!", she thought." "And that slow-motion effect was very ruddy indeed!" She tried to remember what happened in the dream, besides that stupid slow-motion effect. Lord Potter, Snape and a bunch of fluffy bunnies were in it, she remembered. And . . . Dumbledore. At the thought of him, she got tears in her eyes. He was dead. DEAD! "DEAD!", she shouted so hard that the whole school could hear.  
  
8:05 AM Lord Potter's Evil Convention Potterdor Common Room  
  
"What was that?", said Lord Potter. "How can I do my work when some idiots are screaming "DEAD, DEAD" all the time! I mean, it's kinda depressing! Well, back to my Evil Convention. I'm sorry to say that Operation Death Bark failed. When I came into Dumbly's office, he seemed to be listening to hip-hop music. Why, the idiot set his cd-player on the "20 million decibel"- mode! He couldn't even HEAR Snuffles barking! Poor Snuffly-Poo . . . he was so scared by the loud scary music that he had to be brought to a veterinarian. An EVIL veterinarian, that is."  
  
Then, he became very angry. "I am SICK and TIRED of this! I HATE Dumbledore! I want him to DIE! Not even because I want to become Head Master, but only to see him DIE a most PAINFUL DEATH! And so I can LAUGH at him! LAUGH the most EVIL LAUGH I can think of! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! I am EVIL! I can rule the WORLD! But first, DUMBLEDORE has to DIE!"  
  
He wanted to hit everything to pieces, but then, Hermione stood up and gave him a kiss. That calmed him down a bit. "Thank you, my - and Ron's, and Neville's, and Draco's - evil girlfriend . . . I needed that." They were quiet for a minute. "But WHAT THE HECK? It's no time to give up! Let's think of ANOTHER evil plan to KILL Dumbledore!"  
  
After another minute of quietness, a unidentified evil henchman said: "Why don't you just GIVE UP! Face it, Lord! You tried conquering Hogwarts for five years and you didn't succeed once! I am sick of listening to your stupid evil plans! If you ever did the RIGHT THING and just GAVE UP, I could go home and be a happy family with my wife and kids!" Lord Potter immediately hit the "Kill Unidentified Evil Henchman" button on his desk. The Unidentified Evil Henchman fell through a trapdoor, and then, he screamed: "AAARGH! Please help me! This is painful! It's about 237 degrees down here! I am burning! And there are 3 angry alligators coming my way! They shall get to me in about 7 seconds! HELP ME! HELP ME!" "SHUT UP, UNIDENTIFIED EVIL HENCHMAN!", screamed Lord Potter. "My name is Mustafa!", shouted the henchman. "My former job was actor in the Austin Powers movies, but then, I decided to get an artist name! OH NO! There are the alligators! AAAARGH! AAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" And then, everything became quiet.  
  
8:30 AM  
  
After Breakfast Great Hall  
  
Joanne stepped into the Great Hall. She looked around. She had overslept and missed the breakfast. Oh well, it was Saturday anyway. There was no one there, except . . .  
  
"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!", shouted Joanne.  
  
"Yup, that's me name, girlie", said Dumbledore. Joanne was so glad to see him that he gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Yeah baby!", said Dumbledore. "Okay, can we now go to the NEXT STEP, if you know what I mean, eh?" He winked. "Shut up, you freak", said Joanne, and she slapped Dumbledore on the face. No matter how worried she had been, she still found Dumbledore a great prat.  
  
9:00 AM Voldy's Hide-Out The Shrieking Shack  
  
"Where IS that girl?", said Voldy in frustration. He had been walking in circles for hours. "Some people just DON'T care about others . . . I said midnight . . . and it's now about 9 o'clock in the morning! Maybe she is angry with me . . . no, that couldn't be . . . I mean, I didn't do anything wrong to her, did I? Or maybe it was something I said that hurt her feelings . . . OH MY! That is SO AWFUL! If that's true, that means I have made someone cry, and then my reputation of ABSOLUTE GOOD BOY is KAPUT! My life is ruined!" He fell on his knees. "God! Please forgive me! HAVE MERCY!" He started crying.  
  
And then, Joanne came bursting in. "Joanne! Please forgive me! Please have mercy! I made you cry and now I must pay!", cried Voldy. "What are you talking about?", said Joanne. "Anyway, I'm sorry that I'm late . . . but not much, I mean, it isn't like being 9 hours late is the end of the world!" Voldy became very angry. "LATE?! YOU MEAN IT WASN'T MY FAULT?! I WAS AFRAID MY REPUTATION WAS RUINED! AND NINE HOURS IS VERY MUCH! YOU MADE ME VERY ANGRY, GIRL! VERY ANGRY!"  
  
Then, Joanne began to cry. Of course, this was all acting. She now knew Voldy's weak spot. "Oh no, Joanne, don't cry . . . I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings . . . it's not your fault that you're nine hours late! And nine hours isn't much! Please stop crying, Joanne! I can't stand to see women cry!" Joanne immediately stopped crying. "Okay, now that you have stopped crying, down to business!", said Voldy. "What do you know about Potter's evil schemes?" Joanne said: "Lord Potter had learned his dog to bark so loud that weaker people would loose conscience or get a heart attack at hearing this sound. He went to Dumbledore's office, but I think Dumbledore could stand the sound. I mean, he's used to loud noise, he goes to a rock concert every week!"  
  
"Fine", said Voldy. "Do you know anything about any evil plans in construction?"  
  
"No", said Joanne. "But I think he's out of ideas. I walked past the Potterdor Common Room a few minutes ago and I heard him screaming "This is too much for me! He has to die! Think of a plan, you bastards!"  
  
"That's very good", said Voldy. "Now that Potter is finally out of ideas, I myself can conquer Hogwarts and turn it into "VOLDY'S FAIRY LAND"! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA!" Thunder struck. Voldy's face suddenly had something evil in it. "What's the matter with you?", asked Joanne. But he kept laughing evil. Suddenly, Joanne understood.  
  
"You don't want to stop Lord Potter to be the good guy!", yelled Joanne. "You stop him because you want to conquer Hogwarts YOURSELF! You are EVIL!" Voldy stopped laughing, but he had a sort of wicked grin on his face. "Oh, I'm not especially EVIL", said Voldy. "I just want to make loads of money over the backs of naïve children! My history is far more complicated than you know, Miss Rowling. Let me tell you something.  
  
Before I was defeated by that stupid little Potter boy, I was a very successful, handsome and especially RICH businessman. I had everything: looks, money and chicks! When I went to Las Vegas for the twenty-seventh time in two years, I met Lily Potter. She was my dream girl. Beautiful . . . sweet . . . and RICH AS HELL! I was obsessed with her. I wanted to marry her and become happy and even more rich than I was. But then, that James Potter guy came. I didn't know what Lily saw in that idiot. He was ugly and average. His monthly income was, like, ten times less than mine! And still, Lily seemed to like the idiot. And then, I did the most stupid thing in my life. I went to a surgeon for a facelift, only to correct my eyebrows, the only thing of me that wasn't perfect. How could I know that the bloody surgeon was a Russian Mafioso without a doctor's license? He was the one that made me ugly . . . when Lily saw me like this, she immediately made her choice. She married James Potter two weeks after my operation. My life was ruined. I'm glad she still let me in her house, I mean, not many people want a total freak visiting their house!  
  
And you what happened next. When baby Harry was born, I went to visit them. Not because I wanted to - the thought of Lily having a baby with somebody else than me was awful - but because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But then, Harry bit me and James cursed me, because he thought that I wanted to scare the bloody baby. I lost everything - my body and my money. From then, I decided to make the best of my life - to become a good, children-loving guy, even though I barely existed. But when I heard that Harry Potter had come to Hogwarts, I wanted to take revenge. To beat him. To be better than him. To be better than a Potter! I won the battle every single time. And now, I am going to win the war. I'm going to conquer Hogwarts and become rich once again. Richer than Harry Potter! Better than Harry Potter! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! And NOBODY is going to stop me!"  
  
But then, suddenly, a bouncing ferret bounced against Voldy's head. He fell on the ground, knocked out. At the shock, the bouncing ferret changed into . . . "DUDLEY!" Yes, there, lying next to Voldy, was Dudley Dursley. "Where am I? Who are you?", he asked to Joanne. "I'm Joanne Rowling, ex-spy of Lord Potter and Voldy Mort. You saved me, Dudley! But . . . how did you get here? And how did you change into a bouncing ferret?"  
  
Dudley said: "Boy, Miss Rowling, I'm sorry to say, but you have a bad memory! Don't you even remember that, at the beginning of the story, my cousin Harry Potter got mad at me and changed me into a bouncing ferret? Well, you'll remember when you read Chapter Two again." Joanne didn't know what Dudley meant with "Chapter Two", but she decided not to ask. However, she did know that she had to save the Wizarding World alone, and not as Voldy's spy.  
  
And then, Voldy awoke. "I'll be back", he said low and slowly, more in a robotic way, but Joanne kicked him against the head, so that he was knocked out once again.  
  
  
  
I know, I know, you had to wait VERY LONG for this chapter, but here it is! Hope you enjoyed it. It's getting more and more bizarre humor in it! I hope not to bizarre for you. Okay, enough talking, please HIT THE REVIEW BUTTON! I'm not taking the funny lines from Austin Powers, Star Wars or Terminator for nothing! 


	9. Let the Hoggy Wars begin!

Okay, I changed this chapter a bit. It was lousy. I hope it's better now. Enjoy the new and improved chapter nine! Chapter ten is coming soon!  
  
CHAPTER NINE: LET THE HOGGY WARS BEGIN!  
  
Joanne and Dudley were walking to Hogwarts. "I'm going to tell Lord Potter to go to hell", said Joanne. "I'm not pretending to work for him anymore. No, sir! Not one, single, bloody letter! Er . . . wrong line. I'll go to him and say: 'Forget it, Lordie, 'cos I have enough of your sick evil plans!" Dudley protested. "You are NOT going to hurt my cousin's feelings, Miss Rowling!" "Oh, and I suppose a great Muggle like yourselves is going to stop me! Er . . . wrong line again. Gee, I have been watching 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' too much.  
  
But listen, Dudley: you have 2 choices. Or you choose the side of Lord Potter and you'll end up being hated by everybody 'cause you're evil. OR you choose my side and you can be my good sidekick and loved by everybody!" Dudley thought for a moment. "Being loved by everybody . . . I always wanted to be loved by everybody . . . my father and mother never loved me like they loved Harry . . ." Joanne said: "So, are you going to be my sidekick?" "Nah, I think I'll stick with Harry." "You'll get a hotdog when you're with me!" "DEAL!", said Dudley. "I'll do anything for a nice hotdog!"  
  
And so, from then, two heroes began to fight against evil: they were Super Jo and her faithful sidekick Fatboy Dudley! After they had bought two Superhero Costumes, they flew to Hogwarts to defeat Lord Potter and rescue Hogwarts from Doom!  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE EVIL COMMON ROOM OF POTTERDOR  
  
Lord Potter lay on the couch, with Hermione massaging his back. And the others sitting in armchairs. "Ah, there's nothing more inspiring than a good massage! You know, gang, I think I was a bit too hopeless at the Evil Convention. I'm definitely not out of evil plans. A genius like me always has evil plans. I am miraculously smart. Hooray."  
  
Ron said: "Well, Lord Harry, while you are thinking of terrible, horrible, diabolical, EVIL schemes, we can talk about something different. Perhaps Quidditch?" Crickets chirped. "Nah, that's soooo boring. I mean, it's not like a sport on broomsticks with 4 balls isn't THAT special. What about the Cruel Ball in honor of Lord Potter's 15th Christmas day?" "Yeah, that's a good subject to talk about!", said Ron. "Who are YOU going with, Neville?"  
  
Neville said: "Well, I don't know. Somebody like Fleur Delacour seems good enough for me. Or maybe that seventh year Ravenclaw girl that is currently dating Roger Davies. Beats me."  
  
Suddenly, Lord Potter jumped out of the couch. "EUREKA! The ALMIGHTY LORD OF EVIL HAS THOUGHT OF YET ANOTHER HORRIBLE PLAN! The Cruel Ball! Thanks for bringing that subject up, Longbottom! I have thought of another diabolical plan! Hermione, you will ask Albus Dumbledore to be your dancing partner. Of course, he will want to. Before the Ball, you will put up your POISONOUS lipstick, and at the Cruel Ball, while dancing with Dumbly, you will - urgh, no mental images, no mental images - kiss - yuck - him. He will be poisoned by your lipstick and die in 24 hours. Okay, anymore questions?"  
  
Hermione had. "Yes, Lord Potter. I have indeed a question. Can you SKIP the plan? I am NOT going to dance with that FREAK!" Lord Potter said: "Now now, Herms, I know you are concerned about me having to find another dance partner, but I'll get me another Beautiful and Naïve Scarlet Woman to dance with. Maybe that Cho girl or something."  
  
"I'm not concerned about YOU!", said Hermione, becoming angry. "I just mean I wanted to dance with . . . Ron." There was a painful silence. Only after some minutes, Lord Potter could speak. "Do you mean to say that the bloody redhead is better than ME?!" "Er . . . yes", said Hermione. Lord Potter was furious. "WEASLEY, do you know what this means?"  
  
"Er . . . actually, I don't."  
  
"This means WAR, you idiot! WAR!"  
  
"Oh. That's not very good, now, isn't it", said Ron. Lord Potter started to get very angry.  
  
"THE CHICK IS MINE, YOU HEAR! MINE!"  
  
Than, Ron immediately jumped up, as if he woke up from a daydream. "What? Thy are calling my fair lady a chick? Thy disrespectful dog! Prepare to fall in my sword, thy brute!" And then, both Ron and Lord Potter grabbed their wands and started a comical swordfight. Neville yelled "STOP! Gee, you two ARE idiots. I mean, look at you two! Fighting like some loonatics. Don't ya see the babe is mine, dudes? She's going to the Ball with ME!" Hermione was about to something, but Lord Potter was first. "HA! You have a BIG imagination, Longbottom! I didn't remember her even LIKING you! Do you think girls LIKE stupid, dumb macho's like you? No, she's interested in SMART people, like me!" Then started a huge fight. I am NOT going into details, because I want to stay at PG-13 level. These are way too horrible to describe.  
  
MEANWHILE, AT THE HOGWARTS ENTRANCE  
  
In the Great Hall stood two dark figures. They stepped into the light. And there were SUPER JO and FATBOY DUDLEY!  
  
"Okay, here's the mission, Fatboy", said Super Jo. "Our goal is to arrest Lord Potter and take him to Azkaban. Do you know how to achieve this?" Fatboy Dudley said: "I don't know, Super Jo. How DO we achieve this?" Super Jo said: "We're going to GRAB him from behind!" Crickets chirped again. And suddenly, in mid-air, appeared a ghostly figure with the color of green! Yes, that's right, Joanne's father decided to help her once again!  
  
"Joanne . . . I am your father . . ."  
  
"Oh no, not that crap again", said Super Jo.  
  
"Don't be so brutal, young girl! Being a super heroine doesn't mean that you can ignore your father!"  
  
"Okay, okay, dad, got the message. What are you going to do to help me now?"  
  
"Well, after a lot of thinking, I decided that you should use the Force."  
  
"DAD!", yelled Super Jo, beginning to start getting angry.  
  
"I don't mean the Star Wars crap", said Joanne's father. "It's a lousy movie. The Force I am talking about, is deep inside you. Do the thing you are good at. And I am NOT going to say what that is, 'cause it spoils the fun. I'm leaving you now forever, Joanne. Don't count on help from me anymore. You know what to do. Or you don't. Beats me." And then, Joanne's ghostly father disappeared forever.  
  
"Boy, your father is indeed a very wise man, Joanne", said Fatboy Dudley.  
  
"If being a nitwit is classified as 'wise'. Come on, Fatboy. We have work to do." 


	10. Old Friends become Rivals, Old Rivals be...

CHAPTER TEN: OLD FRIENDS BECOME RIVALS, OLD RIVALS BECOME FRIENDS  
  
Super Jo and Fatboy Dudley hurried down the corridor, looking for the stairs that led to the Potterdor Tower. Joanne kept thinking about how to defeat the Great Lord of Doom (gee, did you ever thought about how many names each "Evil Lord" has?), but also about what her father had actually meant. The Force . . . what WAS the Force, if it wasn't some crappy Star Wars word?!  
  
01:00 PM  
  
Potterdor Common Room  
  
After The Big Fight  
  
The Potterdor Common Room was a mess. Practically every single male that was there had also fought for Hermione Granger, the gorgeous scarlet woman. But the most had failed and were taken to the hospital wing. Only the three strongest (Lord Potter, 'Knight' Weasley and Macho Man Longbottom) had remained battling. But they were tired, and lay on the floor, very tired.  
  
"This . . . means . . . war", said Lord Potter.  
  
"Tha . . . babe's . . . mine", said Macho Man Longbottom.  
  
"Thy . . . shall . . . not . . . succeed", said 'Knight' Weasley.  
  
Suddenly, Lord Potter jumped up, full of anger. He pointed to Longbottom and Weasley, that were once his friends, but now his greatest enemies. "You FOOLS! Don't you see I, the ALMIGHTY LORD POTTER, shall win this battle? I am unbeatable! I am immortal! I am a god! Worship me! Bow to me and kiss my feet! I am ANGRY! You don't like me when I am ANGRY!"  
  
Hermione stood up. "STOP!", she yelled angry. "If you want to fight about me, fine. But at least do it properly! I mean, look at you! Kicking, pinching and slapping each other like babies. Mobilize some soldiers or something like that, for Pete's sake! Let them fight for you, while you are sitting somewhere, giving them some orders."  
  
The three boys thought. "Not a bad idea, actually", said Lord Potter. "For once, I agree with you, Potty", said Neville. "NEVER!", said Ron, jumping up and holding his wand like a sword. "I will risk my life for my beloved! I am not going to let other men fight for what I want! I am no coward, like you two! I shall put on my shining armor and going into battle like a HERO!" He went to his dormitory. "Weird fellow", said Neville. "Very weird indeed", said Lord Potter. "The war has now begun. I shall name it the "Hoggy War", in honor of our school. I am going to mobilize my Evil Army of Doom. See you at the battlefield, amigos." He wanted to leave the Common Room, when suddenly, SUPER JO and FATBOY DUDLEY burst in.  
  
"AHA!", yelled Super Jo. "You shall not succeed, you Evil Jerk! Or do you want me to try out my ICE-BREATH on you!" Lord Potter said: "What is wrong with you, Scowling? Oh, by the way, do you want to be in my Evil Army of Doom?" Super Jo said: "I am NOT Joanna Scowling anymore! I am SUPER JO! I fight evil! And I have absolutely NO IDEA what an EVIL ARMY OF DOOM IS! Grab him, Fatboy!" Fatboy Dudley ran to Lord Potter and said: "I'm sorry, dear cousin, but it's the will of the Holy Hotdog." Fatboy Dudley beat the snot out of Harry. "Hey, this is fun, actually", said Fatboy. Lord Potter screamed: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DUDLEY? I thought I was your favorite cousin? Besides, I have an Evil Army of Doom to mobilize!" Dudley whined: "Yeah, whatever, but I really want that hotdog, you know", and he continued beating Harry. He said: "I am very sorry to do this, Dudley, but I have no choice. I shall use my Horrible Evil Glare." He glared evilly at Dudley and fire shot out of his eyes. Dudley could only jump away just in time. "AAARGH! He's using his Horrible Evil Glare! This isn't even worth a hotdog! Adios, Super Jo! I'm leaving this place! I WANT MY MOMMY!". And then, Dudley ran away as quickly as he could.  
  
Super Jo was a bit shocked, but she didn't want to look worried. She said: "So, Lord Potter, it seems that it's only the two of us now."  
  
"Out of the way, Scowling, I'm not in the mood to fight against good guys today", said Lord Potter. "This is about keeping my pride AND my girlfriend". And he pushed Super Jo aside. She saw Hermione sigh. "Boys. They are very complicated indeed."  
  
02:00 PM  
  
The Shrieking Shack  
  
The Waking up of Voldy  
  
Voldy Mort woke up. Boy, had he a headache. He tried to remember what had happened earlier that day. And then, he remembered.  
  
Joanne Rowling.  
  
He had to take revenge. Show her that one couldn't kick his butt without being punished very badly. He would do anything to do that.  
  
And at that very moment, Lord Potter opened the door and came in.  
  
"Um . . . hiya, Voldy", he said awkwardly. "What are YOU doing here?", Voldy grumbled. He didn't feel like fighting evil with this headache. "Well, I was thinking . . . maybe we could forget our old differences. I am in need of a strong Evil Army of Doom. I know that what you want is tons of money. Well, you can get as much as you want if you become my Evil Ally and help me mobilize my army. I already asked my old friend Sauron. You know, the Evil Eyeball Guy from Lord of the Rings. He has lent me some Orcs. So, what do you think, Voldy? Forget the old differences and become Allies?" Voldy thought. Why not? He always wanted to become rich again. And it was clear that Lord Potter was desperate. He would do anything for him. "It's a deal, Lordie", said Voldy, and they shook hands. Suddenly, Voldy got tears in his eyes. "My friend", he said, sickenly dramatic. "My buddy", said Lord Potter. They hugged.  
  
"Oh, I forgot to say", Voldy said when they let go. "There are a few conditions." Joanne Rowling would pay. 


	11. Mysterious Books and Evil Alliances

How could this be? NOBODY reviewed chapter 10! My MASTERPIECE! The chapter in which Lord Potter makes a joke about LORD OF THE RINGS! You sick people!  
  
Just kidding, dear friends. You are not sick. I am. But ANYWAYZ! Let's get this on with. Time for CHAPTER ELEVEN!  
  
CHAPTER 11: IT'S BATTLIN' TIME!  
  
02:30 PM  
  
Potterdor Common Room.  
  
Joanne stood in the Potterdor Common Room. She had failed. Lord Potter was gone, probably mobilizing his Evil Army of Doom, and there was no Fatboy Dudley who could do the dirty work for her now. "I failed", said Joanne. "I failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed."  
  
A WEEK LATER  
  
POTTERDOR COMMON ROOM  
  
"Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed."  
  
"You can stop it now", said Hermione.  
  
"Eh?", said Joanne. She looked around. "What am I doing here?"  
  
"You were just standing there and saying 'Failed, failed' all the time."  
  
"HOLY CRAP!", said Joanne. "What am I doing? I must save the world from Lord Potter and his Evil Army of Doom!"  
  
"Oh, then you can be just on time", said Hermione. "The battle is going to start. Everyone has mobilized his army."  
  
"Then I am on my way", said Joanne. "Goodbye, Hermione. I'm off saving the world, for I am SUPER JO, fighter of all Evil! SUPER JO!" She flew away, leaving Hermione in the Common Room. "Hey, I never knew she could fly", she said. "Oh well." She lay down to take her beauty sleep.  
  
03:00 PM  
  
THE BATTLEFIELD  
  
GREAT HALL  
  
It was deadly silent in the Great Hall. Everything stood there, seeming quiet and normal. But it wasn't. For, in a few minutes, a historic battle was going to begin.  
  
And there, in a dark corner, were hiding two mysterious but heroic figures. "Shh", said Knight Weasley. "Thy must be quiet, me mates. We're going to face doom in only a few minutes. To be or not to be, that is the question."  
  
"Please stop talking like that", said Seamus Finnigan, his fellow soldier. "I am sick of hearing you saying 'Thy' and other Shakespeare-ish things like that. We're not living in the eleventh century anymore, you know."  
  
"Okay, okay, don't nag", said Knight Weasley. "I was just doing that for some dramatic effect. Sheesh. It's a free country, you know. You don't have to be so RUDE and MEAN."  
  
"By the way, where are the other soldiers? You're not saying that only us two are forming the whole army!", said Seamus.  
  
"Of course not", said Ron, the Heroic Knight. "I'm expecting more soldiers to come. I have connections, you know. When I was a friend of Lord Potter, I made some friends in Middle-Earth. Legolas and his Elfish Cronies are coming to fight with us, along with Bob the Builder and Spiderman. Don't ask why they are in the story. They just are."  
  
"Just something for you, Ron, to make this fic deteriorate in some lousy crossover", said Seamus.  
  
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN A GROOVY PLACE  
  
"And a groovy place it is, dude! Yeah baby, yeah!! Very shag-a-delic!", said Neville Longbottom in a Austin Powers-ish style. He was surrounded by his army of Veelas, Cheerleaders, Screaming Fangirls and some bodyguards, including Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme. He jumped of the stage and said: "Let's get to the battlefield, ladies and dudes! Let's KICK some BUTTS!" They danced away on a totally HIP, GROOVY and SHAG-A-DELIC beat, followed by an army of pink wabbits. Don't ask.  
  
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN A EVIL PLACE  
  
"Muahahaha!", laughed Lord Potter from his Volcano Lair. He sat in a very EVIL chair, surrounded by his EVIL friends. "Our Evil Army of Doom is surely going to win the battle, my friends! Alone, we accomplished nothing, but together, we'll do extraordinary things!"  
  
"Hey, that's my line!", said Voldy.  
  
"I'm sorry, Voldy", said Lord Potter. "Let's check the list. Say 'yes' if I call your name. Voldy Mort?" "Yes."  
  
"Sauron?" "Yes", said a demonic floating eyeball.  
  
"Mister Evil?" "It's Doctor Evil, idiot!", said a bald guy. "I haven't spend 9 years studying EVIL MEDICINES to become a friggin' MISTER!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Doc. Darth Vader?" "Yup", said a masked guy. He breathed very loudly. Lord Potter gave him a weird look and paused for a minute.  
  
"Oookay . . . it seems that we're all here", said Lord Potter. "The five most feared Evil Masterminds in the entire universe! Our Evil Army of Doom includes the most horrid creatures that ever existed; Orcs and Other Evil Demons from our friend Sauron, Mutated Sharks With Laserguns Attached To Their Heads from Doctor Evil, Some Vague But Very Evil Aliens from Darth and a few diabolical BEEF EATERS from me and Voldy. By the way, Voldy, don't you think we should change 'Beef' into 'Death'? That sounds more EVIL, you know."  
  
"Nah, I think I like 'Beef Eaters' better", said Voldy.  
  
"Whatever", said Lord Potter. "I think that we can begin with our 'Evil Laugh Session' for today. Let me think of an EVIL SENTENCE that makes us LAUGH. Okay, here we go. AHUM: We will first win the war, then we'll conquer Hogwarts and of course Mongolia, and after that. . ." He paused dramatically and raised his finger to his mouth. "THE UNIVERSE!"  
  
And then, Lord Potter, Voldy, Sauron, Doctor Evil and Darth Vader cackled evilly. "Muahahaha! Muahahaha! MUAHAHAHA!" Thunder struck. Doom spread everywhere. All hope was lost. "Oh, by the way, Harry", said Doctor Evil, "The 'Raise-the-finger'-thingy is MY idea." "Gee, I'm sorry, Doc! Wait, let's start it over again." He folded his hands in a way that was completely original and especially EVIL and FRIGHTENING and said: "THE UNIVERSE!" Evil laughing erupted again, followed by another struck of thunder. It was scary.  
  
04:00 PM  
  
HOGWARTS CORRIDORS  
  
Super Jo was flying to the Great Hall, thinking of a strategy to defeat the 'Evil Army of Doom', even though she had absolutely no idea what to do. Hopeless as she was, she decided to do what her father had said, although that she had NO clue what he ACTUALLY had meant and that he was an old NUT!  
  
She was praying for help, when suddenly, on the floor, fell a black, mysterious book, surrounded by fog and mist. Intrigued by this, she took it and blew the fog away. On the dark cover stood, written in pretty shining letters: "JK ROWLING AND THE FREAKED OUT WIZARDS". "Weird", thought Joanne. "I wonder where that came from."  
  
And somewhere else, in a deep, dark pit of evilness, sat the author of this story at his computer, grinning knowingly. "Keep wondering, Jo, 'cause you'll never know! Nobody will, except me, the ALL KNOWING AUTHOR! MUAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Hey, you'd make a good evil lord", said Lord Potter.  
  
"Yeah, whatever", said the All Knowing Author, and he continued writing his story.  
  
BACK TO JOANNE  
  
Joanne was reading the mysterious, foggy book in interest.  
  
'Our story begins in a beautiful mansion somewhere in Great Britain. In this mansion, the famous author J.K. Rowling is happily writing book 5 of her Harry Potter series. But IS she REALLY writing? Let's go inside . . .'  
  
"Mmm, pretty interesting . . ."  
  
'She was thinking of her great period of wealth, when suddenly a man in a black robe and hood appeared from the dark shadows.'  
  
"Is it me or am I having a déjà-vu?"  
  
'The man did his hood off. JK Rowling screamed. "I . . .", the man said dramatically, ". . . am Lord Voldemort!"'  
  
"HOLY CRAP!", she screamed. "This REALLY happened! I met Voldy right after I burned my beautiful mansion!" Her eyes got watery at the thought of her mansion. "But . . . how did this book get here? Is it some sort of clue or something?" She paused a minute. "Wait . . .", she said. "I know! My FATHER sent this book! He wants to help me! Maybe if I read this book, I know how to stop Lord Potter! Thank you, Dad!"  
  
BACK IN THE DARK PIT OF EVILNESS, AKA THE AUTHOR'S HOME  
  
"What's about the Dad thing?!", yelled the author. "Don't you see it was ME, the ALL KNOWING AUTHOR, who decided to help you? Do you think that lazy good-for-nothing father of you would actually DO something for you? Honestly! Or don't you remember the day you graduated?  
  
(There is a flashback scene, in which we see Joanne graduate from the "University of Geniuses" and saying: "This is of course all thanks to my father, who was always there for me! Dad, will you please stand up and give a bow?" But then, we will get a shot of Joanne's father's chair, with a sign on it reading: "Reserved for Mr. Rowling". Everybody will LAUGH at her and be MEAN for absolutely NO reason and then we will see Joanne almost bursting into tears. This idea is of course stolen from Austin Powers in Goldmember.)  
  
BACK TO JOANNE  
  
Joanne, not aware of the fact that the Evil Author just showed an embarrassing fragment of her life to various people containing Rita Skeeter, continued reading in the book, searching for some kind of clue.  
  
When she came to chapter 5, she yelled: "EUREKA! I found the clue! I am so smart! I'm totally going to kick Lord Potter's butt!" and left the readers of this story in confusion.  
  
THE END . . . OF THIS CHAPTER.  
  
In the next chapter, we will see four powerful armies battle for some odd reason that everyone has forgot by now! But before that, the Evil Author needs some REVIEWS. Here I go: "Please review, my dearest friend! Look, I have puppy eyes! I don't have a life! I NEED reviews! SO HIT THE FRIGGIN' BUTTON! 


	12. A Legendary Battle

It's here, finally... Chapter 12. But why did nobody review my eleventh chapter? Well, I guess it's true what they say... true genius is misunderstood in it's own time... but WHAT THE HECK? I PRESENT YOU:  
  
CHAPTER TWELVE: A LEGENDARY BATTLE  
  
04:30 PM  
  
Legendary Battle Thingy  
  
Great Hall  
  
It was still deadly quiet in the Great Hall. Just as in the last chapter. It's getting boring, eh? Well, then I will no longer leave you in complete boredom. 'cause there they are!  
  
First came Knight Weasley and his Holy Army, including Sir Finnigan, Legolas and his Elfish Cronies, and last but not least Bob the Builder. Spiderman had a cold.  
  
Second came Neville 'Danger' Longbottom, followed by his Army of Veela's, Cheerleaders, Screaming Fangirls and Bodyguards, dancing their way to the Great Hall.  
  
Third came Lord Potter and his Alliance of Evil Overlords, followed by the Evil Army of Orcs, Walking Sharks with Laserguns Attached to their Heads, Vague but Evil Aliens and Beef Eaters.  
  
And then came Hermione Granger.  
  
"Hiya all", she said. "I decided to watch the battle. The whole war is about me, remember? You can read that in Chapter Ten. Well, I'm off to take a good seat. So... let the battle begin!"  
  
Knight Weasley, Neville Longbottom and Lord Potter watched eachother for a second, and then gave their orders. "Attack!" And thus the legendary battle began.  
  
04:45 PM  
  
Somewhere in a secret passageway  
  
Joanne was searching for a painting of a fruitbasket. Finally, she found it. She tickled the pear and voila! She was in the Hogwarts Kitchen.  
  
"Hi", she said dramatically. "I came here to free you", she said to the House Elves, sitting in their luxurious chairs, drinking Butterbeer with now 75 % More Alcohol.  
  
"Wuz about bloody time!", yelled the Head House Elf. "You and your giant- ish friend promised that ages ago in the bloody fifth chapter! We've been waiting for days! What wuz that all about?" "I've got no time for apologies", said Joanne. "Come with me! You can start fighting in the Great Hall. Your mission is: beat up every single creature in the place!" "Great!", said the Head House Elf. "Finally we can do something fun! Let's kick some butts! FIGHT!" "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!", shouted all House Elves. They followed Joanne to the Great Hall.  
  
05: 00 PM  
  
Still battling  
  
Great Hall  
  
The legendary battle had turned into a mess. Everywhere lay pieces of Orcs, Aliens and other nasty things. Nobody had a clue who was closest to winning. Knight Weasley, Neville and Lord Potter were shouting random commands at their armies.  
  
"Mutated Sharks with Laserguns Attached to their Heads! Attack Weasley's army!", shouted Lord Potter. "Thy shall never beat me, Potter!", yelled Knight Weasley. "Sharks, beware of my killer machine! BOB THE BUILDER!" He let his "killer machine" out of his cage. Bob the Madman ripped several Mutated Sharks to pieces, and let his Vicious Steam Roller run over some Aliens. "Shit!", yelled Darth Vader. "Blast you, Knight Weasley! That Vicious Steam Roller of you just run over me uncle Gerald!!" "Watch out, Darth!", shouted his mate, Dr. Evil. But it was too late. He was attacked by some mad Veela's and Cheerleaders. "AAARGH!", was Darth's last word. "Shit!", said Lord Potter. "Longbottom, your stupid cheerleaders just killed one of the few Evil Overlords in the Universe!" "Like I care!", said Neville, and he sticked his tongue out.  
  
"I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!", yelled Lord Potter. "It's time for some kamikaze action! Orcs and Beef Eaters! Attack and KILL! Except for my precioussssss Hermione, ofcourse."  
  
"Boy, Harry, you're starting to sound like Gollum", said Sauron, the Evil Eyeball.  
  
"Goll who?", asked Lord Potter. "Never mind", said Sauron. "Boy, you should check out the Lord of The Rings movie."  
  
It became even bloodier than before. The Orcs and Beef Eaters were ruthless killers. Even the Screaming Fangirls weren't spared, except for a few who could run away. Screaming, ofcourse. Several Lord of the Rings fans were devastated when a Beef Eater (Wormtail, ofcourse) almost bit Legolas' head off. But fortunately, Wormtail was stopped by some remaining Fangirls who attacked him viciously, brought Legolas to safety, declared him their own House-Elf and began to swoon all over him.  
  
Neville's army was the first to fall, when he looked to the Fangirls drooling over Legolas and shouted: "Hey, come back here! I'M supposed to be the pretty boy in this story! Not that ruddy Elf-b..." He didn't finish his sentence, because an Orc jumped at him and beat the snot out of him. "MUAHAHAHA!", laughed Lord Potter. "THE FIRST ENEMY HAS FALLEN TO THE WRATH OF LORD POTTER!" Sauron coughed. "And Sauron, ofcourse. Without his little ugly friends, this would've not been possible.", Lord Potter said quickly. Sauron looked happy. As happy as you can be for an Evil Eyeball, that is.  
  
05:45 PM  
  
Running as fast as they can  
  
Somewhere in a Hogwarts corridor  
  
"MUAHAHAHA!" Everyone in the entire school could here Lord Potter's EVIL laugh. "Holy crap!", shouted Joanne. "It's Lord Potter's EVIL laugh! That means that there's already ONE army that has lost!" "See?", said the Head House-Elf. "That's what you get for freein' us too late! You can be glad I didn't ask you a lot of money for fighting evil!" "You call 275 dollar and 57 cent not a lot?", said Joanne. "Stop naggin'!", said the Head House-Elf. "You've got enough money to buy Bill Gates as your slave! What's 275 dollar then?" Joanne sighed.  
  
06:00 PM  
  
The climax of the battle  
  
Great Hall  
  
"Bring Longbottom to me!", said Lord Potter evilly to one of his Orcs. "He will be SORRY that he was foolish enough to fight against ME and my EVIL cronies! Muahahaha!" It seemed that Lord Potter was closest to winning, but Knight Weasley's army wasn't doing bad either. "You call this not bad?", said Seamus. "We've lost all our Elfish Cronies, Spiderman has a cold and our Vicious Steam Roller is attacked by some Beef Eaters!"  
  
"Why, that means, my friend", said Knight Weasley, "That I am going into battle myself! TADA! Blow the horn, companion! For Knight Weasley is here, among with his pretty shining armor! ATTACK!" Knight Weasley attacked and Seamus sighed.  
  
"So, Longbottom", said Lord Potter. "You've finally been defeated! Haven't I told you that it was foolish to fight against ME? The ULTIMATE Lord of EVILNESS!" "Excuse me", said Dr. Evil. "I'M the ultimate Lord of Evilness. My friggin' name isn't Dr. Evil for nothing!" "We'll discuss that later", said Lord Potter irritated. "What I wanted to say is: BOW TO ME AND MY EVIL COMPANIONS, LONGBOTTOM, OR DIE! MUAHAHAHA!" "I will never bow to you, Potty", said Neville. "I mean, that would TOTALLY ruin my popularity! It's HARD to maintain relationships with VARIOUS cheerleader-ish pretty girls, you know." "YOU FOOL!", screamed Lord Potter. "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" Just when he was about to let one of his Evil Creatures kill Neville, he was attacked by Knight Weasley. "Surrender, thy Evil Dog!", said Knight Weasley, doing some vague moves with his sword. "It is ME who is going to win the battle and take the fair princess with me! Good knights ALWAYS win! Take that!" He chopped with his sword, and missed Lord Potter by inches. "Orcs and Beef Eaters! Please continue spreading a little doom and havoc around the place, while I take care of this iron nitwit! HEY! You ripped my Evil Shirt with that sword of yours! I have learned KUNG-FU and KARATE in the summer vacation, you know! SUSHI!" He did a sort of ninja move.  
  
At that very moment, Joanne and her Army of House-Elves burst in. "Fear not, people! SUPER JO is in town! Among with her Army of House-Elves! House- Elves, attack all Evil Creatures!" "No problem, chick!", said the Head House Elf. "ATTACK!" The House Elves attacked.  
  
THE END. OF THIS CHAPTER.  
  
The next chapter will probably be the last, dudes. Maybe I will make a sequel. Maybe. But only if you gimme TONS of REVIEWS! And if you don't, you will face the wrath of KUNG-FU HARRY!  
  
Lovely Greetings,  
  
The Author. 


	13. An End, An Epilogue, A New Beginning

Hello, my dear friends. This . . . is the last chapter of "JK Rowling and the Freaked Out Wizards". *sob* But . . . I have some good news for you. 'Cause there's comin' a sequel baby! Maybe not soon, but there WILL come a sequel! PROMISE! Okay, and now it's STORY TIME!  
  
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: AN END . . . AND NEW BEGINNING  
  
Joanne and her Army of House-Elves burst in. "Fear not, people! SUPER JO is in town! Among with her Army of House-Elves! House-Elves, attack all Evil Creatures!" "No problem, chick!", said the Head House Elf. "ATTACK!" The House Elves attacked.  
  
It was unbelievably violent. The House Elves didn't have any sign of compassion. The Orcs were chopped into pieces. The Beef Eaters were smashed to the wall and kicked until they were half dead. Lord Potter stared in disbelief. "Shit!", he said. "WHY?! Why didn't I see it before? WHY did I forget to free the House Elves and let them fight in MY Evil Army! How can I be so STUPID!" He fell down and started crying. He looked pitiful. "I am a big fat loser! BOOHOOHOO! I can't even conquer a pathetic little school!"  
  
Suddenly, before him, appeared a House Elf. "Dobby!", said Lord Potter. "Yes, sir", said the House Elf. "It is Dobby indeed. I think you and Dobby have met before!" Lord Potter grumbled. "Yes! In my second year, you dropped a pudding on me! My Evil Shirt had to be washed on the last moment and I missed the Hogwarts Express! I HATE you!" Dobby laughed evil. "Yes, it was indeed fun. But, sir, Dobby would like to make an arrangement. If you teach Dobby the art of being EVIL, Dobby shall help you fight my fellow House Elves. Well? Deal?" Lord Potter thought for a moment. "Okay", he said finally. "What are you going to do?" Evil Dobby grinned diabolical. "Dobby is going to throw his EVIL socks at his fellow Elves! MUAHAHAHA!" Crickets chirped. "You REALLY think that would work?", asked Lord Potter. "Of course", said Dobby. "I'll give you a demonstration!" He grabbed a sock out of his bag and threw it at a nearby House Elf. "AAARGH!", yelled the House Elf. "I am being ATTACKED by an EVIL sock! NOOOOOO!" He fell down and rolled over the floor, screaming: "DIE, EVIL SOCK GERMS! DIE! NOOOOO!!! They're POSSESSING me!" Lord Potter stared at the House Elf, and then laughed. "It worked! My evil friend, together, we will conquer the world! Who cares about Orcs when you have EVIL SOCKS! MUAHAHAHA!"  
  
Super Jo, standing at the opposite side of the Great Hall, heard Lord Potter's evil laugh. She immediately grabbed her spy-glass and looked at Lord Potter's direction. When she saw the House Elf freaking out, she gasped. "GASP! What's this?" Soon, Dobby started throwing more socks, and more House Elves began freaking out. Super Jo tried to run away quietly, but soon, Lord Potter and his Evil Mates Dobby, Dr. Evil, Sauron and Voldy stopped her. "Well well", said Lord Potter. "Well well", said Dr. Evil. "Shut up", snapped Lord Potter. "It seems that you have been defeated, Scowling, or . . . Super Jo. How pitiful you are! Trying to save to day with your PATHETIC little House Elves! They even freak out at the SIGHT of a sock! Sheesh! But now, NOTHING can help you now. It has happened. LORD POTTER'S EVIL ARMY HAS CONQUERED HOGWARTS! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Excuse me, Lord Potter", said Knight Weasley, "But you haven't defeated MY army yet." "Who cares?", snapped Lord Potter. "Don't INTERRUPT me when I am LAUGHING EVIL, Weasley! It is ANNOYING! But, as I was saying: NOTHING can help you now, Super Jo! We will GRAB you and make you our slave! HA! That'll teach you! For adding some DRAMATIC effect, I shall count down before we GRAB you! Okay! 10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . ."  
  
Super Jo was terrified. She was defeated! Nothing could help her now! But . . . she suddenly got an idea. Without any thinking, she grabbed her copy of "JK Rowling and the Freaked Out Wizards", that had fallen from the ceiling in chapter 11, and STABBED it with her FAVORITE PEN! (Like in Chamber of Secrets, when HARRY stabs Tom Riddle's diary with a basilisk fang!) Suddenly, all Evil Lords fell on the ground. "AAAARGH!", yelled Lord Potter. "I'M FEELING INCREDIBLE PAIN! MY EVIL POWERS ARE WEAKENING! NOOOO!!"  
  
Meanwhile, in the Dark Pit of Evilness, aka The Author's Home  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!", yelled the Author. "BLAST YOU, SUPER JO! You have RUINED my story! Now, everything is going back to normal! But I'm warning you, I WILL be taking REVENGE!  
  
Back in the Great Hall.  
  
After a few seconds, some Evil Overlords began to fade. "Oh shit!", cried Dr. Evil. "We're fading! I'm looking like friggin' Casper the Friendly Ghost now!" Sauron said: "Oh great. We're only in this story for a few chapters, Darth is killed early and now WE are fading! If I still will EXIST after this, I will surely take revenge on the person responsible for this!" Dr. Evil wanted to say something back, but alas: it was too late. Dr. Evil and Sauron disappeared, among with the pieces of Aliens, Mutated Sharks, Orcs and other crappy things that don't belong in this story. Meanwhile, various characters were going through SERIOUS personality changes!  
  
"NOOOO!!! I'm beginning to feel GOOD now! AARGH!", yelled Lord Potter.  
  
"And I'm beginning to feel evil. VERY, VERY EVIL! MUAHAHAHA!", yelled Voldy.  
  
"I'm beginning to feel snobbish and bookworm-like now!", said Hermione.  
  
"And . . . I'm beginning to feel . . . well . . . I suddenly feel an urge to replace my bedroom wallpaper for Chudley Cannons posters!", said Knight Weasley.  
  
"I am beginning to feel like a LOSER! Please feel PITY for me!", cried Neville.  
  
"And Dobby is beginning to feel . . . VAGUE as ever", said Dobby in a VAGUE way.  
  
"WE WANT TO SERVE HUMANS! WE WANT TO BE THEIR HUMBLE SLAVES!", yelled the other House Elves.  
  
"Good", said Super Jo, and she smiled. "I knew this would happen! I suddenly understand what my father means with "The Force"! My power is to WRITE about another world! So, I thought, well, if I use my pen against this story, maybe all will change to normal! Does that make sense?"  
  
"No", said Hermione. "Did you hear the snobbish tone in that 'No'? You know, this is actually funny!"  
  
"Chudley Cannons to Power!", said Ron.  
  
"MUAHAHAHA!", said Voldy.  
  
"I am BRAVE and GOOD! And I am also HANDSOME and SPORTIVE!", said Harry.  
  
"PUNISH US! WE ARE BAD ELVES!", yelled the House Elves.  
  
At that very moment, Dumbledore burst in. "WHAT THE F**K HAS HAPPENED HERE?", he yelled, when he saw the mess that was once the Great Hall. "Been away for only a WEEK to see various ROLLING STONES concerts, come back and what do I see?! A FRIGGIN' DUMP!" McGonagall came in. "What's wrong, lollipop?", she asked Dumbledore, but when she saw the mess, she passed out. "YOU GO AWAY!", yelled Dumbledore. "OUT! OUT! Take a very long holiday or something! I need TIME to clean this friggin' mess up! OUT!" Quickly, everyone went away quietly.  
  
"YES!", said Ron. "A LONG holiday! That's what I need! Now I can go home and paint my house in the colors of Chudley Cannons! Quidditch rules!"  
  
"I'll go with you, Ron", said Hermione. "Then we can do other fun things in your room . . ." She winked at him.  
  
"I shall use this long holiday to plot against Harry Potter's life!", said Voldy. "I will change my name to Voldemort again! See you later, fools! MUAHAHAHA!" And he vanished.  
  
"I shall use my vacation being clumsy and breaking vases in my grandma's house!", said Neville.  
  
"And we will use our vacation with cleaning up Hogwarts and working 'till we are nearly dead!", said the House Elves.  
  
"Er . . . I think I will return to the Dursleys. Hopefully, they haven't changed too much", Harry said.  
  
"And meanwhile, I will use my vacation to write Book 5", said Joanne smiling. "I have plenty of ideas now . . .  
  
EPILOGUE  
  
On the train ride to King's Cross, Harry will meet Cho Chang and fall in love with her. He will be drooling over her picture for the rest of the vacation. The Dursleys will still be afraid of Harry, since he still has something EVIL around him.  
  
Ron and Hermione will be . . . ahem . . . VERY busy during the vacation. They will eventually marry, even though they're only 15. Ron will be obsessing over Chudley Cannons even more and Hermione will get a sudden interest in a certain book named "Hogwarts: A History".  
  
On a certain day, Ginny, who hasn't been in this story at all, will appear at the Burrow, claiming that she is a long-lost family member who has lived in Italy for years, and that she suddenly found out her real roots for some odd reason and returned to England. When Harry visits the Burrow, Ginny will see him and hopelessly fall in love with him. Harry will still be obsessed with Cho, though.''  
  
Fred and George, the ghosts from chapter 5, will discover that they weren't REAL ghosts, but that they just forgot to take off their Halloween Costumes. They will be VERY glad that they weren't actually dead, and will play pranks on random people to celebrate this.  
  
Dumbledore and McGonagall, for some odd reason, will still be very much like hippies. They will let the House Elves clean up Hogwarts, while they, like Ron and Hermione, will be . . . ahem . . . VERY busy.  
  
Voldemort will meet Wormtail on a vacation to Albania and will think of an EVIL plot to KILL Harry. Will he succeed in this? Probably not, considering that the hero always wins, but let's pretend we DON'T know that.  
  
Joanne will finish Book 5. It will be SMASHING. It will be FANTASTIC.  
  
And the Evil Author? Well . . . I'm not going to tell you. But remember: I will be back. Muahahaha! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
!!THE END!! 


	14. ALERT: LONG WAITED SEQUEL IS THERE!

ALERT! ALERT! IMPORTANT MESSAGE AHEAD!!!  
  
Dear readers, not without some proud, I, Samuel de Bie, present you this legendary story's sequel: "FREAKED OUT WIZARDS II: INSANITY STRIKES BACK!"  
  
After an absence of long time, in which I constantly was seeking inspiration, "FOW II" wrote itself! I have to say it's even better than this little ficcy. Not that that's so difficult, but heck, I'll just give you the URL adress to this fantabulous sequel: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1237100 .  
  
Hopefully, the sequel of your favorite fic will enlighten you! Have much fun with InnerConflict!Harry, RidiculouslyEvil!Voldemort, StillAHippie!Dumbledore and much more wacky characters!  
  
Lovely Greetings,  
  
The All Knowing Author (Insert Thunder) 


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